It's Not So Easy Saying No as a Child of Immigrants: A Guide for Therapists
By Sue Nguyen, LMSW
Oftentimes clients may come to therapy hoping to explore how to handle family dynamics. Whether it is how to navigate moving out of the house and mom is trying to have surprise visits, addressing conflict concerns with parent-in-laws, deciding whether or not to cut off a family member, or a mix or variation of all three.
Most therapists may intuitively think, “Oh, let’s explore how to set boundaries!” which is what we were trained to do! However, this can be very complicated for children of immigrants. This article goes into why this may be complicated and how to navigate its nuances with clients.
Defining Boundaries
Boundaries are invisible or visible limits that are set for each individual when interacting with other individuals. These are the limits that determine if someone likes chocolate chip ice cream, mint chocolate ice cream, or even ice cream at all. Boundaries also help inform us if someone is okay with a hug, a kiss, or even a handshake. These lines extend beyond physical touches and help us by determining how we want to be treated as individuals whether we are okay with keeping secrets from one another, being shouted at, or even if we like to be thrown a surprise party or not.
With all that has been said, boundaries can be considered a staple in relationships, especially when conflict comes up. Every relationship between two or more people can look very different from one household to the next. Whenever conflict arises and continues to come up, the first thing most people ask themselves is, “Okay, how do I express to this person how that made me feel?”, “How do I share my thoughts while also still listening to what the other person is thinking?”, or “I didn’t really like what they said, how do I let them know?”. These are all different questions and ways of thinking about boundaries.
The Cultural Complications with Boundaries
Growing up, no one is taught formally how to set boundaries or how to navigate boundaries being crossed. Boundaries can look different for each and every person. They can be complicated depending on the nature of the relationship or can feel intimidating to set sometimes.
When considering cultural differences, supporting clients in how to navigate boundaries can be more complex than what was taught to therapists while they were in school, especially in America.
American values, which are more focused on individualistic values, have a larger focus on focusing on the self and what the individual needs over what the group needs (Jiao, J., & Zhao, J., 2023). In other cultural groups, like Asian, Mexican, Hispanic, and African, there is a larger emphasis on the self being intertwined with the group and prioritizing group concerns/needs over the individual. This is what is more called a collectivist.
When referring back to the definition of boundaries, boundaries inherently are prioritizing needs of an individual over others. This can be more intuitive to our American clients who were raised in a generation of Americans. However, for our clients who come from various cultures and grew up with immigrants, boundaries are going to be naturally harder to explore and maintain. Even having a conversation about boundaries can be uncomfortable and scary for clients.
Conflict Styles and Boundaries
When diving into more research on setting boundaries and the styles in which each person is able to navigate it, it's common to reference the Dual Concern Model. The Dual Concern Model is a model created by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970s in hopes of building a better understanding on how people handle conflict (Cai, D., & Fink, E., 2002).
The Dual Concern Model analyzes different conflict styles that are based on the amount of concern an individual has for their own needs (assertiveness) and the amount of concern an individual has for the needs of others (cooperativeness). The graph below illustrates the model.
Figure 1.1 adapted from Cai, D., & Fink, E., 2002, pg. 69, created by Sue Nguyen, LMSW.
Based on the amount of concern an individual has about themselves and others, their conflict style may vary between avoiding conflict as a whole, dominating the conflict regardless of the needs of others, integrating themselves with those around them, or listening (obliging) to the needs of others and disregarding their own.
Clients who come from collectivist cultures are more likely to portray certain conflict styles (Cai, D., & Fink, E., 2002). They may find themselves just listening to the needs of others and disregarding their own, which can be referred to as obliging, according to Figure 1. These clients may also likely find themselves in other parts of the diagram, such as avoiding conflict as a whole in order to maintain peace. This style may lead to fully dismissing their own needs, but also overlooking the needs of others when attempting to address conflict.
When we think about setting boundaries, the goal is to be in the middle of the diagram, called “compromise”. The conflict style “compromise” focuses on both the outcomes of others and an individual’s outcome. This will allow someone to be able to equally worry about others needs and their own in order to find a middle ground or a win-win solution. However, learning to be able to do this comes with time and may need extra support from others, like a therapist.
What Can Therapists Do
When supporting clients who are children of immigrants in setting boundaries with their family, especially when it would be safer for the client to do so, it is important to first meet where the client is. This has been broken down into 5 separate areas of focus that may help you and your client find a middle ground and solution together.
Acknowledging that boundaries are hard due to these cultural differences.
Identify with the client what barriers are stopping the client from setting boundaries, including values that may conflict with setting boundaries.
Explore with your client how we can navigate those barriers and compromise between boundaries and values (individualist and collectivist).
Practicing setting those boundaries and providing patience and reassurance.
Keep learning and identifying your own biases as a clinician.
By using these areas as a guide, the hope is that any clinician can support their clients who are children of immigrants. Let’s support our clients to explore deeper into their own values, find a sense of balance, and in turn find peace for themselves.
Sources
Cai, D., & Fink, E. (2002). Conflict style differences between individualists and
Collectivists. Communication Monographs, 69(1), 67–87. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637750216536
Holt, J. L., & DeVore, C. J. (2005). Culture, gender, organizational role, and styles of
conflict resolution: A meta-analysis. International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 29(2), 165–196. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijintrel.2005.06.002
Jiao, J., & Zhao, J. (2023). Individualism, collectivism, and allocation behavior: Evidence
from the ultimatum game and dictator game. Behavioral Sciences, 13(2), 1–14.
https://doi.org/10.3390/bs13020169
Mara Olekalns, L. F., & Cieri, H. D. (1998). Cultural Differences in Conflict Resolution:
Individualism and Collectivism in the Asia-Pacific Region. Cultural Differences in Conflict Resolution : Individualism and Collectivism in the Asia-Pacific Region, (2), 1–4. https://doi.org/https://people.wku.edu/richard.miller/T-K%20cultural%20differences.pdf
Nash, J. (2018, January 5). How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive
Relationships. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
